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Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.